Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
