Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
