I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
sarcasm needs its own font
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
