Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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