he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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