I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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