her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Floor bacon is actually really good
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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