Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
