I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
