hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
