Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
