Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
