I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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