I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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