You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
