Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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