Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
