Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize