There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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