I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
