a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
