Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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