she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize