mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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