woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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