So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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