just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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