I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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