Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
