Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
