i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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