Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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