I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
