Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
