My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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