Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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