i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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