Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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