you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
