Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
