he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
