I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I didn't notice because vodka
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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