she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I enjoy the company of your penis
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
