wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
