i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
