4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
