I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
