That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
