I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
