I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Four minutes until I can fart!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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