she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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