Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
