I think I died a long time ago.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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