Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize