In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
