You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
