i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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