Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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