Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
