Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
